i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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