she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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