All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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