I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
