My balls are so social today.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
