no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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