Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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