the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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