I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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