I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize