Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
