So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
