Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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