The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I have fence marks all over my body
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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