just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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