My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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