If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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