the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
