She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
