the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
