my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
