i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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