he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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