I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
