I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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