i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
