Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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