Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
