sarcasm needs its own font
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
