I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am available for nakedness
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
