I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
