So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
