we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You took a bar mat shot.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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