God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
