i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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