Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize