Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
