I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
