So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
