I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
