Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
