it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
