he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
