Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize