Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Randomize
