You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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