just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
