remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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