So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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