ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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