I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
