I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
