i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
