Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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