Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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