so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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