I wish my penis had an off switch
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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