just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
