Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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