The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
