i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
