4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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