my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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