I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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