i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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